Tag: self-care

Posted in Peer Support, psychology, Supporting Friends/Family, Voices

How To Support A Loved One’s Mental Health Journey

Posted on by alidware

Chances are, if your loved one is struggling, you’re overwhelmed, they’re overwhelmed, and you all just want time to stop so you can breathe.

Unfortunately, we experience time in a linear fashion because of our physicality. Sorry.

What we can do is learn, adapt, and have a meaningful existence.

So, let’s start with something simple:

Tip #1: Offer an ear

The easiest thing to do, which can also become one of the hardest things to stay consistent with and have patience for, is be an ear for your loved one.

Understand you are not their therapist, you are not their treatment center and you are not their savior. What you are is a confidant, a safe person. You don’t have to solve any problems and if your loved one is asking you to, kindly remind them that solutions aren’t always the answer: sometimes you just need to ride the waves, feel the pain, and learn to adapt. They will know this instinctually, but sometimes the pain is so great that we just want relief. That’s why gentle reminders, patience, and compassionate words are the best a friend or parent or partner or sibling can do.

Depressive phrases like “I just want to die” can be startling and sometimes your first instinct is to ask “are you safe?”. Refrain from that. For the love of God, refrain from that.

A lot of the times in my suicidal ideation I needed to vent and get the heavy burden off my shoulders. I needed someone to hear me. I didn’t need someone to panic and make me doubt I had any control over myself.

If your loved one talks about suicide often, concern is valid. Fear is valid. But not everyone benefits from multiple 3 day hospitalizations just because they’re thinking about killing themselves.

Instead sit with them. If they have a mental health team, maybe connect with them. Ask what you can do to help. You’ll probably get a response of “nothing” or “I don’t know, I just don’t want to be here anymore”. And that’s okay. You can’t control their actions or their thoughts and sometimes space for the seriousness and the authenticity of the pain helps release the tension.

Remember yourself in this too. Your loved one is in pain and you don’t like that. You want to help. You want to pull them out. But you can’t do everything, and that’s killing you. Sometimes you get so angry you want to pull your hair out. Sometimes you just want to give up. And so do they. They don’t want to feel like a burden to everyone around them and a way to show them that they aren’t is to make sure you take care of your own mental wellbeing. Show them you will be okay.

Their feelings are not your responsibility. That doesn’t make you selfish or careless. It makes you an individual mind.

So, in short: offer an ear, really hear them, and restrain your panic. Keep firm boundaries—your friend can’t be calling every ten seconds for you to rescue them, they need to find their own footing and be less dependent. You can foster this with healthy support, a compassionate ear, and voicing your own struggle if their pain becomes too much to bear.

Tip #2: Stay Educated

This will be important particularly if your child is affected. There is tons of research coming out every day on all these labels we’ve created and a lot of the real research is in stark contradiction to what you find on your average health website or mental health forum. If this is all new to you, I’d suggest checking out my previous post, How to Read a Psychological Research Paper, so you know what to look for.

It’s nice to read personal stories of individuals who are also affected; that’s often why we tell our stories is so that people can understand where we’re coming from. If your son bursts in your room and says something like “why the fuck would you say that? Get away from me”, you might start to doubt your coping abilities, you might start feeing like you have to walk on eggshells, and you’ll eventually just blame his mental health.

The problem with just blaming the experience is that you lack the understanding necessary to actually be compassionate. You can learn to not take things personal, you can earn to ignore harsh words and phrases, but all that does is discount the experience. Let me explain.

In personal stories you may read that someone once thought his mother was part of the CIA and transmitting his thoughts back to headquarters, commenting on his movements and locations, and so he’d yell at his mom or break things or do strange things to disrupt her telepathy. In the story you might read about the fear he felt, the terror, how scared he was despite how angry he appeared.

And that’s the key. If you don’t understand that your loved one, in this state, is much more sacred and confused than angry, you’ll be more inclined to yell back or try and present evidence in an attempt to break a delusion.

Not everyone has the luxury of being able to discuss what’s going on with their loved one in this state. But if you do, if there are substantial moments of clarity, especially in altered states like this that aren’t a crisis, it can be transformative for both to explore some of the fear and terror and brainstorm some ways to help your loved one reality check when things get intense.

In order to do that, you’ll need to know some things about altered states. Read some personal stories, read some valid research, and involve your loved one in all of this. Introduce some stories to them, discuss some of the research if that’s possible at the time, and help them know they aren’t alone. Express to them your fears and your confusion. Maybe saying something like “when you do this, I get confused because . . .” And create a dialogue around confusion. For those of us with anxiety and psychosis and even depression it can be very helpful when we know where we stand with someone.

Tip #3: Be Involved

Maybe you can’t do all of this for just a friend all the time. But if you could join them at a support group or help them get to an appointment, that can really be a great tangible way of showing you care. And, again, boundaries are important; if you take your friend to her weekly appointment once, and she keeps asking for a ride every week, find a time to remind her face to face that you have responsibilities of your own. Offer to help her find a bus pass or teach her how to use Uber/Lyft. But ultimately she needs to find her own way for some of the time.

Ask what kind of involvement your loved one would like. I know when my parents came to my therapy appointments, even if it was just my mother sitting outside, I didn’t like it. It was supposed to be my own personal space, my own personal time to get my own personal thoughts out. Unless your loved one is incapable of speaking for themselves, you should give them as much space as they want so they can develop their sense of being again.

Do not take control. Reach compromises with your loved one. Discuss things. Don’t talk about things with your loved one’s doctor without your loved one present. We have a saying in the peer community: Nothing About Us, Without Us. When this isn’t honored, we feel cheated, betrayed, out of control and this can fuel paranoia for those of us dealing with psychosis; suddenly, you’re working for the CIA again and you have no idea why.

If the doctor insists talking about things without his/her actual patient involved, resist and stand up for your loved one, particularly if they aren’t in the room to do so themselves.

This is important because supporting us in empowering ourselves instead of supporting our dependence or helplessness is what becomes eventual motivation for us to find stability. In fact, it’s essential in finding stability.

You might feel that your loved one can’t do anything on their own, and maybe in a crisis that’s true. Helping has its time and place as all things. But you have to understand that a hospital doesn’t foster individualism. It fosters helplessness. And if that attitude is continued outside of the hospital, and after the crisis, there will be little motivation and little belief that things can ever change.

The belief is the key factor here.

My parents were never involved much in my health or my crises. That may have saved me, because they never treated me any different. They assumed me to be well, they assumed me to be able to feed myself and clothe myself and bathe. When I didn’t, when I went into crisis mode and was in a hospital that did all those things for me—reminders at least—and I came home to zero reminders, zero help, after a while I knew that I wasn’t going to get that kind of dependent support. I never suffered with the belief that I was incapable. Even when I wasn’t showering in a depressive episode. I didn’t believe I couldn’t, I didn’t believe it was “just too hard”, I just believed the pain was too great to pay attention to that kind of crap right then.

So, be involved, but don’t suffocate. Reach a compromise with your loved one. This may take some wrangling, and both of you may need some patience. It takes a while to figure this stuff out. A single conversation isn’t going to be enough.

Tip #4: Breathe

The best thing you can do for your loved one is be well.

There’s not much else to say about that.

And this isn’t to be well for them. This isn’t to be well so you can be their caretaker. This is for you to be well for you. This is to promote your own healthy state of mind and live your life with your loved one. It’s possible to have a peaceful existence. It’s just not possible to have it without some hiccups along the way. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It all depends on how you adapt.

A Final Thought:

These tips are built from things I wished people had done with me. Anxiety crippled me as a kid, and into adulthood; depression buried me my teenage years, and psychosis has given me insight to the universe, and not in a delusional sense. It would have been nice having close family or close friends along that entire journey with me.

And so, my parting word is this: walk with your loved one—not in front of them, not behind them, but beside them.

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Posted in Emotions

Self-Care During the Holidays

Posted on by alidware

Hey all. It’s been a couple days since I’ve written. The last post was the conclusion of our investigation into whether psychology is a science. We conceded, I think, on the view that it has scientific potential but isn’t quite there yet.

I had another post prepared for today, but in light of the coming Holidays, I’ve foregone my usually cynical direction and decided to engage in some positivity today.

I’m not sure how it is for you all, but for me Holidays are difficult. I didn’t know they were difficult until I realized my moods seemed to fluctuate more viciously during this time. I also realized I’ve been taken into the hospital in October/November three years in a row and last year stayed at the respite house which I work for.

And so, to celebrate the second year of not going into the hospital, I figured I’d share some ways to engage in self-care during these busy times.

Disengage When Necessary

I think what adds to the stress is this weird social pressure that comes along with being in relationships, friendships, or just apart of a family. There are parties, gatherings, The Spawn of Satan Activity a.k.a Secret Santa at work. You’re seen as weird if you don’t go, and if you’re awkward like me, weird when you do go.

Sometimes family is the exact opposite of who you need to be around. And if you have the ability to stay away, if that is what’s best for your health, than by all means stay away. If you must go, keep in mind it’s just for the holidays. Enjoy those who you are comfortable around and remember those who seem malicious toward you may have other things going on in their lives. The holidays are stressful for everyone, not just you. They might not want to be there either.

If you have a significant other who insists you pretend to want to be there, make sure that you take care of yourself while you are there. If there is too much conversation, politely excuse yourself; go for a walk maybe, or find an area with less people. Bring some music if that’s soothing to you and separate from the madness so you can gather yourself. Nothing is more important than your mental health, and if someone doesn’t understand that than you probably shouldn’t be going to parties with them.

Treat Yourself, But be Careful of Indulgence

Black Friday in particular can trigger me into spending way more money than I should. I’ve avoided spending thousands, but I think I spent a good couple hundred and it isn’t even Cyber Monday yet.

I also notice as the weather’s gotten colder (and as I’m still unsure of my back’s abilities) I haven’t been going to the gym and I haven’t been eating correctly, not with Thanksgiving and sweets and potatoes and other such delicious things being just an arm stretch away. In combination with the stress of the holidays, finals, and ridding my body of those pain meds, I can feel a shift in my mood. I’m fluctuating a lot between depression and euphoria and there’s some intense paranoia that intensifies and lessens.

And so as delicious as the food is, I need to remember to watch my sugar intake and carbohydrate intake. I need to get back into my gym routine, rain or shine, and keep away from anymore medications. My presentation this week is already torturing my anxiety enough, I don’t need any other weight.

And neither do you. If you feel yourself taking some cheat nibbles here and there, don’t spend hours hating yourself. If you spend or party or whatever, push against that guilt. It’s okay to enjoy the little things in life. When it starts affecting your body and your mental well-being, maybe then it’s time to take a look at how it could be affecting you and whether you need to adjust things.

Remind Yourself You’re Doing Enough

We often forget, in the bustle of the season, that we are doing all we can. And so we try and do more and that’s where the breakdowns come from. Maybe work picks up during this time and people go on vacation and you’re covering shifts you don’t normally do. It’s okay to make a little extra money, but be mindful of your mentality. Are you more angry than usual? More depressed? Anxious? Paranoia? Frustrated? If so, scaling away from work could do some good; your employer isn’t going to die without you. Their job is to keep their business running. Your job is to keep yourself running.

If you aren’t working right now, sometimes it can feel like you can’t contribute as much as everyone else because of income restraints or other inconveniences. Remember that whatever you can do, regardless of gossip, regardless of your own anxiety, is fantastic and someone in someway will appreciate it. Even if that someone is just you. You being appreciative of yourself is powerful.

If you’re a busy family and you’re running around throwing gatherings and planning trips or other ways to organize the kid’s winter break, remember to breathe. You can’t do everything all the time, and next year does exist. Time is something we may not always have, but we do happen to have a lot of it.

Take Some Time To Assess Why

What is it about the holidays that stress you out the most? Is it the anxiety in the air? The crazy drivers? Is there trauma around these days? The gift-giving insecurity? Work?

For me, holidays were always filled with arguments, violence, and drunken rages. When my dad still played music, he was gone every holiday at gigs so I missed him. But when he came home, there was always a lot of arguing and fights because he was drunk and/or high and got angry at little things that would have made no difference otherwise. When he stopped playing music, he was drinking at 9am and I usually woke up to things breaking and more arguing. So, no one would talk to each other for the duration of the holiday. It’s been a full three years since that has happened. So I’m just not getting used to this idea of “being together” on the holidays.

I notice that a lot of those experiences have shaped my perspective of the holidays. I turn away from parties and gatherings and family things because it’s not what I’m used to. I’m used to doing my own thing by myself.

So for me, it’s been trauma. The memories of the stress are still in my body. My body knows when November is here even if I don’t know it is. Because this is the beginning of it all. And so this year I’m remembering that my past hurt but that it’s not like that anymore. That I can embrace celebration and enjoy the time that I have with my dad sober, even though his health is in a decline and his short-term memory is deeply bruised. We can have a new tradition and that won’t be possible if we all resist it.

The point of identifying the source of your holiday stress is so that you may put your attention there, not to wallow in it but to nurture it and coddle it and respect its existence. Doing so lets you see the gap between what may have happened last year or as far back into your childhood, versus what this year could be. It reminds you to mold your perspective a bit. If it’s the crazy driving, try and identify times where drivers aren’t so crazy. If it’s parties, maybe choose a few not to go to. If it’s gift-giving, maybe investigate those you wish to give gifts more than you usually would, or opt to remember gift receipts; if this is a route you choose, and the person returns the item, resist the urge to blame yourself. If this is a regular pattern of there’s, maybe a gift card is best.

But most importantly everyone, identify what makes you happiest during these stressful times and embrace that. Take care of you. Tis the season of giving, so give yourself a little love.